Alice tells it right II

 

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Amaury: Hey! Hey fatass! Listen to me when I’m talking to you, ya punk!

Aleister: Amaury, I’m busy.

Amaury: Screw you, man, you used to be cool.

 

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Aleister, sighing: What is it, Amaury?

Amaury: What’s the answer of 1+1?

Aleister: You will never learn anything if I tell you.

Amaury: Did your fatness kill your kindness?? Look at you, stupid artistic poop-face! I’ll tell mom you haven’t done your homeworks yet!

Alesiter: FINE! Fine. The answer of 1+1 = 69.

Amaury: Finally.

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Me: Honey, I have great news.

Lysander: You’re pregnant again.

Me: How did you know?

Lysander: Dunno. Feeling.

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Well, that must be because we’re so in sync. We’ve been married for a while, after all.

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Me: Aleister, honey, I have something to tell you!

Aleister: Let me guess. You’re pregnant?

Me: How the hell did you know? Did your father tell you?

Aleister: Nah. Just a feeling.

Must be because he’s so much like his father.

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Me: Hey Amaury! I…

Amaury: You’re pregnant.

Me: What kind of sorcery is this?! Who told you?

Amaury: You’re ALWAYS pregnant. Nobody’s surprised anymore.

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Amaury, after being burnt by his chemical experiment: cursed may science be!

Cersei: By the way, I think mom’s pregnant again, brother.

Amaury: I know, it’s not like it’s a surprise anym… wait what the hell… Cersei? When did you grow up?!

Cersei: Not of your business.

 

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Apparently, Amaury decided, just like his dad, to draw your ugly mom. That’s so your mom, she looks like a retard. Muhahaha.

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Excepted that, nothing happened. Oh, maybe that one fire that time when I forgot to put water into the pan BEFORE putting the macaroni on the oven?

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Me: LYSANDER, HELP ME TO EXTINGUISH THIS FUCKING FIRE OR AT LEAST WAKE UP THE BOYS!!

Lysander: Pfft, I don’t understand the matter. Just put some frigging water on it and…*

(*: I know putting water on oil fire is the worst idea ever, I’m not stupid D:)

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Lysander: Well, shit.

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Meanwhile, the children grow up. It’s already Cersei’s first day at school. I still remember the times when I was holding her, as a newborn baby, at 4AM, so desesperate for sleep I was willing to throw her by the window nearby. She has grown up as an adorable, yet, very antisocial little girl

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Amaury, my little male clone, is also a charming and briliant boy, even if he has absolutely no sense of humour and a big mouth.

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And Aleister, where do I even start with Aleister? The kindest and quietest boy in this big family and always willing to clean the dishes. I have the intuition he’s Lysander’s favorite, because they’re so alike in every way. And to be honest, I would lie if I told you I didn’t like him more than the others.

Shame on me, as a mother, I know.

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Soon, Cersei, Amaury and Aleister had a new sibling, Morgana, the first baby of the house who wouldn’t piss everybody off for teh lulz. She have Lysander’s face and my hair own hair. Still, Lysander said he wanted another one that would look like him, just like Aleister did.

I’m not a baby-maker, you know, bitch.

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She’s adorable, though, with her big, curious eyes and her calm behavior.

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Me: Lysander, for fuck sake, all I asked you was to clean the dishes while I was taking care of Morgana! And… By the red plumbob, did you eat all the cake?!

Lysander: No! *moment* Well… *moment* … Bitch I might have?

Me: You fucking pig! Amaury will be red mad!

Lysander: Mad for what?

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Me: It’s his birthday, moron.

Lysander: I’ll tell him the cake was a lie.

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Well, I will not tell you he grew as a pretty child, because he’s pretty ugly with his rectangular face and his big, squashed nose. How ironic, I know, knowing this is MY child with MY traits, but truth must be told. Still love him, though.

Maybe he became less big-mouthed?

Amaury: Keep eating MY cake, bitch, you’ll only get fatter like dad.

Aleister: Yeah, I love you too, brother. And this is pie, not cake. Remember what dad told you?

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Aleister: The cake is a lie, but not my affection for you. Happy birthday, bro. Don’t worry, I’ll buy you a real cake next time.

Amaury: Thanks, bro. At least you understand me.

Lysander: Okay, your bromance is cute n’ stuff but GODDAMN IT, CAN’T YOU SEE I CAN’T PICK UP THE DAMN PLATES CAUZ YOU’RE IN THE WAY??

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As they grow older, my two big boys get closer and closer, they’re the best buddies ever. I even overheard a secret conversation between them the other day:

Amaury: Aleister, hey, fag-face, can you keep a secret?

Aleister: What is it?

Amaury: Well… I haven’t told the parents yet, but I think I’m gay.

Aleister: Why would they bother with this? They’re so weird, anyway, they wouldn’t even care. and even if it wasn’t the case, you’ll be my best bud. FOREVER.

Amaury: For real?

Aleister: For real.

Amaury: Thanks, fatty. This makes me feel better.

To be honest, their close friendship made me both happy as a mother and jealous, because I had a twin brother myself and we never got along. You know why?

BECAUSE I ATE THE LITTLE BITCH WHEN WE WERE FETUSES.

 

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Soon, Pernelle arrived in the family. Lysander was full of hope, thinking that’d be finally THE clone he was waiting for.

(Lol, you thought that was Lysander? Nah, it’s Aleister. They’re so alike it’s hard to tell, even for me).

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Wow, such clone. Very similarities. Fuck you, Lysander, that is MY clone, excepted the eyes. (But we have no friggin idea how she got red-haired.)

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Morgana also grew. Not as well, saddly. Not that she’s not healthy. Not that she’s not pretty (she is the prettiest of them all), but she turned out… Well let’s not find kinder synonyms. She became… special.

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Cersei: Maman, can I sleep with you and papa tonight?

Me: Cersei, you’re 7. You’re not a baby anymore, but a big girl. Why the heck would you sleep with us anyway??

Cersei: Because I’m scared…

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Me: Of what, for the Plumbob’s sake?! I know today is a full moon night, but I think you got pretty used of the dying zombies on our lot, since it happens a lot, don’t you?

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Cersei: I’m not afraid of them… I’m afraid of Morgana! I don’t wanna sleep with her tonight!

Me: Why?

Morgana: IT’S BEHIND ME! IT’S BEHIND ME! I CAN FEEL IT I CAN FEEL IT I CAN FEE…

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Morgana: Duuuude. I can see the colors of time.

That’s how I discovered she had the insane trait and couldn’t be controlled anymore.

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Cersei: I hate moonlights. It’s full of creeps, and zombies, and ghosts, and Morgana gets weirder and…

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Cersei: And come on, EA Games, get your shit together, the water isn’t even animated you lazy fucks!

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Morgana: Maman, Cersei told me I was batshit crazy. Is it true?

Me: Yes, honey, you are. Doesn’t mean we don’t like you though.

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Morgana: Silent, you traitor! You shall now take that bikini off and get stabbed in the boobs 25 times!

Me: No cake for you tonight.

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Yeah, cauz tonight, it’s Cersei’s birthday, that she celebrated, alone, near her favorite fishing spot.

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She’s so pretty… but at the same time… uh… doesn’t her cold attitude remind you of someone?

Screenshot-378gsdfg fsf

Coincidence? I think not.

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But seriously tho, she looks like this in real life. Pretty more boring and normal. All that’s not her sister, at least.

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Morgana: U w0t m8?? U W0T???? I’ll fkk1n wrek u, 1v1 IRL faggt!!!

Cersei: MAMAAAAN, MORGANA IS HAVING A FIGHT WITH THE BED AGAIN!!

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Today, she starts school, so I’m kind of worried about what she will do and how the others will accept her.

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Me: I received a call from the director. Did you REALLY throw poo on the chalkboard and burn the science books??

Morgana: Fuck the evolution!! He has to know I’m the reincarnation of the great Lord Helix, the king of Anarchism!

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At least the others are pretty more normal. Amaury especially loves his youngest sister.

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They even started a band together, him at the guitar, her at the xylophone.

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And Cersei, constantly arguing with Morgana, is avoiding the house the more she can, fishing all day long and coming back only to avoid the midnight cops.

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Aleister is becoming awesome at painting. Not as good as his dad, but it’s awfully close.

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When Pernelle grew up , we decided to put her in the same bedroom than Cersei, before she kills Morgana. We cannot afford a room right now, so she’ll have the corridor for herself, and can even hide herself from the others if she feels like it. It’s better than nothing I guess.

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Pernelle: You saw Morgana’s clothing? AW-FUL. She vomitted on the director again today. I swear, I’m ashamed to tell people we’re related.

Cersei: Yeah. She pisses me off so much, I can’t stand it anymore. Wanna come fishing with me?

Pernelle: Nah, thanks, I hate mosquitoes.

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Pernelle: Seriously, Cersei is a bitch that cleans nothing. You, at least, you’re awesome to clean stuff and you’re SO funny!

Morgana: Wow, thanks Pernelle! I… I really appreciate that compliment. I’ll do better next time!

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Morgana: You heard that, awesome? Someone congratulated you for the first time! FOR THE FIRST TIME! Just be patient, and we’ll dominate the world in the name of Lord Helix.

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