Love and stuff



Couldn’t get asleep.

She would not get off my mind.

Couldn’t paint.

She would not get off my mind.

Couldn’t eat.

This time, it was because I was tired of apples. But I think you got the concept.

Alice was on my mind, always and forever. As a loner and a loser, I never got the chance to get close to people, girls even less, would it be as friends or girlfriends. Alice was different. She called me cute. She joked with me, not of me. Plus, she was boobilicious, but even without this last fact, she was more than enough to make me feel weird inside (I’m not talking about boners).


I even caught myself writting poems and stupid love letters about her. The stupid shit love makes us do, I swear to the gods…


As I was getting more and more in demand around Moonlight Falls, I had to force myself to paint stuff so I could pay the bills, but I kind of lost interest. That wouldn’t help to reach my long-term dream to be an illustrator/author, but I couldn’t help myself, always hooked up on the phone with Alice. Maybe I was delusionnal but I felt she was indifferent to me either, unlike Deedee Wynn who ran away as soon as she saw me, two chapters ago, in that bar (am I that ugly or is she really dumb? Couldn’t tell).



Every day, she would do her matinal jogging in front of my modest house. I never bothered to get outside and greet her, as I didn’t want to annoy her, or show her where I live (this isn’t exactly a womanizer home either). Eventually, the fucking newspapers being rotten outside became a major problem. And well, if I wanted to be with her, I had to make the great jump even if I had chances to get rejected, didn’t I?




I took upon myself and went outside to clean the newspapers. As a matter of facts, Alice was jogging, as usual.

Me: Oh! Uh, hey Alice.

Alice: Waiting for me?

Me: Oh, no, just recycling the newspapers, you know how annoying it is when you don’t read them! Ahahaha euh euh ehm.

Alice: Liar, I knew you were waiting for me.

Me: How can you tell?


Alice: First, I can see you staring at me everytime I pass nearby. Second, that’s some fancy clothes you got here, Lysander.

Me, nervously joking: I’m not staring at you, I just love the sight! Bitch high as fuck, thinking she’s my number one concern! Pffft…

Alice, slighty upset: Yeah, right. Pffft, pink-haired faggot high as fuck, thinking he’s smooth at stalking and lying. I was expecting a bit more from this date.

Me: Uh? What date? I didn’t even invite you over!

Alice: At least, you were hoping to, didn’t you? Anyway you’re not even my type.

Me: Says the girl who called me cute the first day we met.

Alice: I said you were cuter than Malcom. Cute in the way that you’re stupid.

Me: Who is Malcom anyway?

Alice: Not of your fucking business. Listen here, you called me a bitch and you’re stalking me. What is that supposed to mean? You’re nice and all to talk to, but among all things, a stupid coward in my life is the last thing I want. This is a kind warning, next time, I’ll be rough for real.

Me: Alice, that was nothing but a joke! A meme joke, on top of all! What are you so upset about?


She was about to reply back, so I kissed her. On the mouth. She freezed.

Me: Was it that bad?

Alice: N… no… please, continue… but you’re still stupid.


We continued to see each other. A lot. I stopped my meme jokes starting with “bitch high as fuck” (it’s a meme, it didn’t mean to be sexism, I swear!). She wasn’t the first to initiate a meeting, but as she was willing to see me, it was a good sign.


We got close of each other so much she got used to my tiny house and would not mind when I was still in my pajamas. I wasn’t upset either when she would come home with her stupid raccoon-like uniforme of official burglar (not very wise to hang around with an official burglar costume BTW but the peeps in this city are kind of dumb anyway).

When I was complaining about not having a girlfriend, I was mainly talking about sex and heirs for my legacy challenge. But with Alice, there were no urge. I was happy just sitting close to her, laugh with her, steal a kiss from her lips, tickle her.

Alice: You a mormon or what? You’re the first guy who’s not in a rush to have sex with me.

Me: Can’t I just be happy to be with you without getting my wand out every time I see you? Girls keep complaining boys just want to have sex, but when it’s guys who aren’t in an hurry, you keep frowning.

Alice: Sorry, I’m not frowning. Just… unused to this. I really love you, you know.



Me: Well, I know I don’t have much for now, but I’d really like to live with you. Can’t get enough of you, and I might

Alice: Lysander, I’d love to, but you must know I’m already seeing someone else. *awkward moment* Look, I’m not a whore and I never meant to hurt you in any way… I don’t like him that much but I wasn’t sure if…

Me: That Malcom guy?

Alice: He… Uh? yeah.

Me: I don’t care about him. I don’t care if you see anybody else. Call me a naive, but I’m not jealous and I trust you. As long as I don’t see you doing… stuff with them, see anyone you want. Mind your business, I’ll mind mine, but I’m just saying, I feel like it’s solid between us.

It convinced her. She moved in, with enough money to buy a double bed (sleeping on the ground was the second most annoying thing in my life, right away the FUCKING APPLES) but at the condition she was free to move out whenever she had the urge to. She then decided to break with Malcom, on her free will. I didn’t care. She could have kept him as a sex friend, as long as I wouldn’t find him in MY bed, it would have been fine by me.


Alice: Malcom? Yeah, it’s me, Alice. Where I have been for two weeks is not of your fucking matter, because we’re through. I’m sorry it ended that way, but you gotta know… Uh? No, I’m not. I’m not seeing anyone else. Why do I break up?



Alice: Oh, you know… I needed my own privacy… What? You never gave me any personnal space! Yesterday was the first time I get to shower alone since we were dating!

Me and Alice, recent flashback: WOOHOO



Alice: You know I loved you, Malcom, but this doesn’t work anymore for me. I’m sorry, I hope you’re going to find anyone soon. Me? Oh, I’m thinking about taking a break. But don’t try to find me, I want to be alone. Bye, Malcom, I hope we’ll be able to be friends again someday.

Me and Alice, recent flashback: WOOHOO

We kept on like this for a week. I was falling in love with her, everytime we touched, every time we kissed, everytime we made love, but also every time she would tease me or ruin one of my paintings by putting nutella on it.



The only thing she had to complain about were the fucking apples. She was right though, as I was also tired of eating those. I felt it was time to ask her… something, but… I wanted to wait for another moment, in the park or in a fancy restaurent… but fuck it, my heart told me it was the moment or never, so I listened to it.

Alice: Seriously, instead of trying to add a seperate bedroom to the house, we should really buy a fridge first, cauz… wait, why are you on your knee? What did you get out from your pocket? You… Oh my god. No. Is that a fucking joke? Get this fucking thing out of my sight or I’ll spit on it.




Me: I know you don’t mean it.

Alice: What the heck?! It’s been eight days since we’re living together! Plus, you told me I could see anybody else if I wanted to!

Me: I don’t see the problem?

Alice: You just proposed to me, you idiot! This is way too early! You are nuts, Lysander!

Me: Listen, I love you and I don’t care. As I told you, date anyone you want, go anywhere you like, for any time you wish. But right now, I’m madly in love with your stupid face and I’m pretty sure you don’t hate my own stupid face too. See? You can’t stop smiling! Don’t lie to yourself!

Alice: But use your head, moron! What if we break up after a year? What if it doesn’t work out?

Me: Then we’ll divorce! Nothing is eternal, not even love. That’s why I have to propose. Now.

Alice: … you’re… you’re so stupid… I can’t even…


Alice: You are a stupid moron.

Me: I love you too, Alice.






Alice: Still, I can’t believe you managed to get part of your stupid legacy Challenge. I had to quit my job as a burglar – geez, it paid so well! – and start all over again… are you a masochist or something?


Me: Alice, you’ll get used to it. You will even feel prouder, since you had to be to the lowest level twice.

Alice: This is madness. I’m sure you were just mad because you sell ugly stuff and have the smallest salary among us.

Me: I am a GREAT artist, just so you know, my time just hasn’t come yet. Anyway, you will get use to it.

Alice, whispering: Hocus, Pocus, Alakadabra…

Me: Anyway you’re just a weak human. I am a powerful wizard. You might be stronger than me interm of strenght and physical ability, but I have the real power and…



Alice: Lysander. Do. Not. Underestimate me anymore.

Me: But I-

Alice: Never again.

Me: Yes, madam.

Didn’t matter if I just become the weakest, still had sex.


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