Baby: Hrrmgn uhhh WAH WAH WAAAAAAH
Alice: By the sweet plumbob of platinum, this thing hasn’t stop crying for 3 hours… can’t you make him shut the fuck up??
Me: I swear babies should come with an off button!
Me: There, there… Papa’s here.
Cries got even louder.
Me: Oh come on, Aleister, calm your tits for once!
I was officially holding the official heir of the legacy, Aleister Nogueira. Why Aleister? Well, why not? It was original. Alice told me she wasn’t sure I’d like this, as it was a commemoration of Aleister Crowley, also called 666 number of the beast (look it up). I just replied that’s also Iron Maiden’s best album. She observed me with a suspicious look on her face, then said “Oh yeah… I forgot you’re a foreigner”.
Aleister was an healthy but annoying baby. He would shit himself twice in the same hour, vomit right after he drinkied his milk and cry just to torment our poor souls. I swear this fucking baby was somehow related to Joffrey Baratheon.
Me: Aww Alice, he did it again! It’s your fucking turn to change his smelly diapers now!
Alice: Can’t! I’m cooking!
Me: But you’re always cooking! And you’re not even good at it!
Alice: How could you…!
Sometimes I’d swore Alice was trying doing chores around the house just to avoid Aleister’s smelly diapers. She recently decided to become the house’s cook, but honestly, Veronica Lodge from the Archie comics would have been a better chief than her.
Me: Alice, you burned cereals and you clean the damn lettuce with soap!
Alice: If my cooking is THAT bad, you know you can just stick to your apples, right?
Me, groaning: … I take it back. Sorry Alice.
Talking about Alice, did you see what her idiotic ex-boyfriend sent us again for our wedding, like, months after it was appropriated? Behold! A skating park. A FUCKING SKATING PARK. I couldn’t even afford a pair of skates, so what the fuck did you want me to do with a FUCKING SKATING PARK??
Yeah, thanks a lot, Malcom. We had the ugliest house in Moonlight Falls (and the gods know it was the ugliest town around), we couldn’t buy a sofa, but you decided it was a good idea to afford thousands of dollars for this. If that’s what you wanted to call a sweet revenge, I think you kind of failed.
Complain? Oh noes, I never did that, I swear. Not my style, I promise. Yeah, like, really! I mean, I could sold it after I received it. I was just trying to understand the simstatic logic behind this.
Being a married dad did suck a lot, but as long as I got to stay close to Alice, I was happy. She was kind of like a cat, playful and in the mood for sexy times for days, then would leave the house for a week or two before coming back without any explanation. In the other hand she understood when I had my total shut-in phases and wouldn’t talk to anybody for days… excepted toilet-senpai.
Both of us weren’t normal, we didn’t had a normal relationship, and that’s why we were still madly in love after a year of bad-hair days, grumpy moods and arguments about who would clean toilet-senpai today, or…
Aleister: WUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH UUUUUUUUUUUUUUH MWEEEEH *barf* WAAAAAAAAAAAAH
*sigh* BRB, Aleister just shitted himself again. Either this child’s name was really cursed, nor he really had the best inside of him.
Alice with a sweet and calm voice: There, there. Poor little baby, stop crying or I swear I’ll wreck your fucking neck, you hear me?
Needless to say, we were waiting for nothing but the final notice from the game that was allowing us to age him up.
Me: Are you sure this child is mine?
Alice: You fucking idiot.
Alice: Let’s get done with his education the quickest possible. I’ll teach him how to wal… No, little Aleister, do not stare at mommy’s secret garden. You’re precocious for your age aren’t you?
Me: And I’ll teach him how to talk and potty train. Repeat after me, little Aleister. Douchebags suck, brains FTW.
Aleister: Doosh. Suck.
Me: Close enough.
Me: Now, repeat after me, little Aleister. Screw the rules, I have money.
Aleister: Screw… the… maney.
Me: You are going to fail at life, you arnacho-communist little bastard.
Aleister might have been one fucking annoying newborn, but as a toddler, he calmed down as he could explore the house and discover new things. He was also quick at learning. The fatest he grew, the more I liked him. Do not believe me? Look at this. He would play with his toys…
… make them disappear…
Aleister: Mister Appollo XVI? Where are thou?
Make them reappear like nothing happened. Magic wouldn’t die in this generation, at least.
I was making some quality selfie time, as usually (these bitches are worth a whole point each!) when Alice dared to disturbe me for the first time.
Alice: Honey, it is time!
Me: For what?!
Alice: HAPPY 34th BIRTHDAY, YOU OLD FART!
Somehow, it got on my nerve. Did she had to remind the fact I was getting old and ugly?
Me: Alice, did you have to SCREAM LIKE A BITCH in my ears while I was painting? I have other things to do than celebrate a fucking birthday! Did I pushed you to the ground while you were jogging when it was YOUR birthday? No. I just brought you to the restaurant. What is YOUR problem?
Alice: Uh? Hun, that was just a joke… Why would you get so upset about this?
Me: I don’t know! You annoy me! I almost ruined my autoportrait!
Alice: Bitch please! You made a thousand of those, don’t you think it’s enough for your stupid legacy?
Alice: Oh my gods, you are such a little bitch tonight! Wait, does that mean it’s…
Me: Bitch, it might be
Alice: Oh no.
Me: Oh yes.
Alice: We didn’t need this at all! Not with another baby coming soon!
Me: Well, not my fucking problem.
Alice: Come on, honey, I apologize, can you just forget about this?
Me: It’s too late. You’re going to feel the wrath of my mid-age crisis!