Argus and Alice

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   You’re not going to wait for a long time since I’m already in the parking hiding from her waiting for her. Judging by the cars in the parking, she might be an OVNI or a millionaire. Either way, it would floats my boat if she decided to be kind on me.

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There she was. Beautiful, charming, yet slightly shy. My heart was racing inside of my thoraxic cage, about to rip it off. Was it love? Was it the one? Was it the end of my mise…

Wait, this chick didn’t look like beautiful or charming at all?

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Dude, this chick had a beard and was thinking about chicks!

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Dude, this chick was not a chick, it was an angry werewolf who seemed very upset for some reason.

The chick not so chick, roaring: You! Yeah, you! You Nat6sh9XxX_1993??

Me: Bitch I might be?

The chick not so chick: Are you kidding?? I was waiting for hot stuff, and you’re like the flatest girl I ever seen! You look like a dude!

Me: B-but I AM a dude! Wait… ehr… don’t tell me you’re… YOU’RE xXx_H0t-Alpha-w0lf_xXx ????!?

The chick not so chick: You LIED TO ME? You freakin’ LIED TO ME? WHAT KIND OF CREEP GOES ON AN ONLINE DIRTY CHAT AS A LESBIAN?

Me: B-b-but you just did the same?! Plus you’re the one who invited me even though you were a male?!! Seriously man, don’t come closer, I can’t fight, my arms are like spaghettis… no, NO, NO!

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The chick not so chick: I’M GOING TO WRECK YOU! I’M SO GOING TO…

I took a deep breathe and did what my survival book when facing Werewolves told me to do.

I pet him. Like a dog.

The chick not so chick: Oh… oh my… that’s the spot!

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Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY?

The chick not so chick: ME! ME! I AM A GOOD BOY! PET ME HARDER!! AWWW MAN I LOVE THIS

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The chick not so chick: Oooh, that felt grrreat! Why hello there, my name is Argus Brown, I have a PhD in medecine and work at the Bloom medical and scientific center of Moonlight Falls. I deeply apologize for the incorrect behavior I have shown earlier.

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Me: Look, man, this is very embarrassing, I didn’t mean to be a creep and…

Argus Brown: My good sir, we were both at fault and this incoveniant moment was nothing but a terrible misunderstanding, leaded by primary instincts. We should erase this unpleasant memory from our minds like this never happened.

Me: Thanks, Argus, you’re right. So… erh, I don’t know what I was expecting for tonight, so d’you wanna do something?

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Argus Brown, while running like a dog: I am glad you ask, my good sir, because I am starting to feel the hunger through my stomach. May I invite you for dinner, as a celebration of our newborn friendship? I will pay, of course, as the host.

Surprisingly, it didn’t turn out as bad as I expected, but it felt kind of awkward to dine with a loud and hairy guy eating like a dog and drooling all over my plate. But even faux-filet with drool and hair on it tastes good when you are used to eat a shitload of apples per day.

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Me: Who’s the good boy? Who’s the good boy who invited me for delicious dinner? WHO’S THE GOOD BOY WHO WILL GET MY WAND?

Argus: Is it me? IS IT ME?? Oh god I hope it’s me!

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Me: IT SURE DOES! CATCH IT, BOY!

Argus: OH MY GOD IS THIS HEAVEN?

So, if you’re ever facing an angry werewolf for some reason, remember to pet his belly. ALWAYS pet his belly, it will save your life. At least, this worked well for me. If it doesn’t work for you, well I hope your life was great.

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I finally got my shit together and built a piece just for me, which officially made me go from hobo to extremely poor. A shower, a toilet, a fancy light and a big window. I missed these so much, I felt like the richest man on earth for a moment.

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Not for long, though, because it was fullmoon once again and hipster zombies started to gather around, judging, criticizing.

Fat hipster: Braaai-aaai-aaaaaains (omg living in ugly houses is so mainstream, I’m going to instagram this and laugh at it with my online friends before attacking the housemembers, BRB)

Apparently, my house was so ugly it killed one of them, Doreen Caliente. Well, excuse you, princess, my house isn’t THAT terrible… well, yes, it is… but that’s not my problem.

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Anyway, I kept her gravestone next to me, because it fitted with my cool lamp.

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The next day, I was jogging around, tired of painting, when I needed to pee so bad I had to stop to the nearest house. It doesn’t seem like this, but loosing a whole point  for the legacy just because you pissed yourself isn’t cool. It would be like half of the points I already had.

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Happily, I already knew one of the residents, Haley Sumari, a chick who tried all her life (and failed) to become a fairy. I happened to meet her in a bar as she was kind enough to politely listen to all my failed attempted at flirting. She happily greated me.

Haley Sumari: Hey Lysander! Didn’t know you lived nearby?

Me: Oh, hello Haley. Uh, I’m sorry to disturb you for this, but may I use your bathroom?

Haley Sumari: Sure thing, Lili. Don’t go in the one of the Rez-de-chaussée though, it’s broken.

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It didn’t seemed like this atht eh first glance, but this was a huge house! I couldn’t find my way to the toilets of this floor, so I entered in a random room. Found out it was actually a bedroom. With somebody sleeping.

? : Malcom? Malcom, is that you?

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Turns out it was Alice Fitzgerald, a weird girl from the neighborhood who was known for being both pretty and unreachable, as she was more likely to knock your head on the wall si she can steal your wallet than flirting around. At least, that’s what everybody used to tell me.

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Alice Fitzgerald: Wait, you’re not Malcom. What are you doing in my room? Anyway you’re…

Me, nervously: I-I’m sorry, I was just looking for… for toilets.

Alice Fitzgerald: …way cuter than him…

Me: Uh?

Alice Fitzgerald: Listen here, fuckhead, I don’t swallow that story about toilets. Are you some perv trying to steal my panties while I sleep or something like this?

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Me: I swear I was jogging and had to stop by for toilets! It was Haley that…

Alice, amused: You’re shaped like a spaghetti and you try to convince me you were jogging? Yeaaaah, sure. You’re not a Moonlight Fallers, aren’t you? (as a joke) The countryside is full of weird-ass creatures, don’t you know nobody knock for toilets around here? You should have pissed yourself, way less dangerous that way.

Me: Are you mad? I don’t wanna loose points for something so stupid!

Alice, laughing: points? What points? Are you talking of a.. game? LMFAO, I don’t know what you’re talking about, you sound like a total nerd!

Me: Pffft… what’s so wrong about nerds, anyway?

Alice, smiling: Nothing. I like them.

She wasn’t that terrifying, after all. Sure, she was buffed up, but her sarcasm and her self-confidence… it created a je-ne-sais-quoi inside of me that I liked (no, I’m not talking about boners). I instantly felt at ease around here, which is kind of rare for me. We chatted a while, as it didn’t took us a lot of time to grow fond of each other, and totally forgot why I came here in the first place.

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Haley: Well, that was a pretty long potty moment, Lysander, it’s already 23pm!

Alice: He still hasn’t piss yet.

Me: If only you would have let me reach the toilet!

Alice: Not my fault if you’re so weak!

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I felt ashamed, as it usually look suspicious to enter in a house, ask for toilets and instead stay for hours in a bedroom with a girl. I thanked Haley and decided it was time to go home. As a goodbye, Alice grabbed my head between her hands and softly whispered to my hear:

Alice: We will see each other soon, right?

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