A shitload of babies

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Getting laid

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Time went on. Alice and Cersei were right: we couldn’t mourn our deads forever. Still, I wished I could stop to care as easily as they would, being like “Alea jacta est” and start doing stuff like fishing or robbing people’s house. If my tears didn’t stop to flow, at least, my body was regaining its health again. Things were starting to get better, slowly but surely.

Well, I’m pretty sure you don’t wanna hear some crybaby story about a soon-to-be old man complaining about his life, don’t you? So let’s move on with Aleister. Poor boy, after the tragedy, he lost what was supposed to be his proudest day ever.

 

 

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Cersei: You know what, brother?  I think I’ll stay. Anyway I don’t feel like becoming a stupid NPC that will have nothing better to do than being a zombie bothering you during full-moon nights.

Aleister: That’s great!

Cersei: BUT…

Aleister: Butt butt what?

Cersei: I’ll make points, of course, but I won’t become a breeding cow just for that goddamn challenge. And I won’t raise your fucking kids, nor our little sibling’s. Is that clear?

 

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Aleister: Clear like your Aquarium’s water.

 

 

 

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As the only heir willing to procreate, Aleister registered on ForeverTogether.com, one of the only website allowed by our dictators beloved gouvernment, as he decided he had to get laid, and the quickest, the best.

I told him it wasn’t a good idea, especially during sexy time, but this fucktard won’t listen. Shame on you, Aleister, I’ll have you know if Alice was willing to have 6 fucking children with me, it’s…

Aleister: DAD. STOP. NOT IN FRONT OF THE READERS.

 

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He also decided to get that body working out, doing like 5 hours a day of jumping jacks like his mom. I swear they aren’t humans, what the fuck. There is so much internet to do instead.

Aleister, singing: I’m a barbie girl, in a barbie wo-o-orld!

 

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He then decided to go playing some guitar in one of the town’s bars. Because everybody knows girls wet their pants everytime they hear some guy playing guitar. It’s written in the laws of the universe, just like cows give milk and gravity makes apples fall and…

Aleister: La cucaracha… La cucaracha… lalalalala fuck, wrong tab.

Goddamn it, Aleister.

 

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Hey, what’s that? Fawn Goodfellow sure looks like a good companion for your lonely nights. Plus you’re already childhood friends with her. Come on! Don’t be shy! Go for the daughter!

 

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Instead that moron decided to go straight to the ugly, bitchy mom that has a yellow face. Goddman it.

Aleister: So, you like cheese? You have the face of someone who like cheese. Wanna hear my metal version of La Cucaracha? Oh, come on, don’t make this face. Here, take this, I’ll give you a ticket for a free feet massage. Call me anytime *winkle*

Smooooooth sailing, son. Smooth sailing.

 

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Dahlia Goodfellow: I’ll have you known, I’m married. And your propositions are all totally unappealing. Now get out of my face before I call the police.

Aleister: Don’t you go a bit far? Didn’t meant to scare you, m’am, I just wanted to start a conversation with an innocent joke

Dahlia Goodfellow: Wait, aren’t you one of these crazy hobos from the Nogueira family living near the Van Gould castle?! Seriously, your ugly house ruin the whole town.

Aleister: … Hobos?

Dahlia Goodfellow: I heard there was a fire that killed half of your family. You know what is the saddest thing about this? That the other half wasn’t killed with them also. That atrocious legacy should come to an end.

Aleister: …. you fucking llama face… Take it back or…

Dahlia Goodfellow: Or else?

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Aleister: Nobody can insult my family! NOBODY!

Old man in the background: Now that’s my fetish!

 

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Fawn Goodfellow: That ass tho.

 

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Well, that sure didn’t go well in there, so Aleister moved to the eternal festival of Moonlight Falls, a pathetic festival created by EA games just so people wouldn’t see how empty and a waste of money was the so-called Sims 3 expansion “Seasons”.

At least, he found Felicity MacDuff, a funny and cute, yet fat girl he got instantly along well with

It might have helped that he didn’t proposed a feet massage with a rapist face this time.

 

 

 

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Ho, you’re not interested anymore by Felicity’s humour? Who caught your attention, son?

 

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T’was Deedee Wynn, Alice’s old friend and Malcom Harris’s new girlfriend. Poor Malcom, if only he knew how cursed he was…

 

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Because, for Aleister and Deedee, it was real love in the first sight. Poor Felicity, she thought she had a chance. Within only a few hours, she was long gone from the competition.

I know it’s quite weird, for you, the reader, that I can narrate what’s going on even though I’m not here. So, you must ask yourself who  took all of these photos? How could I relate what was going on in my son’s sexual life?

 

You know, there’s no better spy than a worried pregnant mother when it comes for these sort of things. She stalked him all day, afraid he would end up with an ugly, crazy, dumb girl like Marigold Magliano or Branch Timbley (he wears a pink jacket and tights, so he’s a woman). Happily for all of us, she was just dumb.

 

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Alice, who was hiding behind bushes and trees all day: MY LITTLE HONEY WHO JUST GRADUATED IS ALREADY LAAAAAID! HOW CUTE!

Aleister: So, huh, wanna come lives with… MOM WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE??

Deedee Wynn: Why would I live with your mom? You won’t come with us? I don’t understand, Ali.

 

 

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Deedee Wynn: OMG! ALIIIIIIICE!! It’s been so long. What d’you become? And why is your belly so big?

Alice: It’s because I’m having a baby, Dee.

Deedee Wynn: But that doesn’t explain why your belly is so big?

Alice: Nevermind, Dee.

Aleister: Mom, you’re embarrassing me…

And thus, Deedee Wynn ditched that faggot Malcom to come live with us, as Aleister’s mate and the holder of the next generation.

 

Tragic tragedy

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Me: Good news, honey! I’m done with my mid-age crisis!

Alice: Finally! Because narrating for a stupid blog about Sims isn’t my cup of tea. Now, can you give me the D once and for all?

Me: Do you even have to ask?

 

 

 

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Sorry for everybody who was waiting my return to normality. Well, if you follow this website, you might be too young to consider this, but getting old really sucks ass.

I decided to have THE talk with all of my children. No, not the one about puberty. That’s gross. I’m talking about MY legacy. It, after all, needed its best warriors so points would be scored. But before that, they had to know why they were born.

Me: Before we start, has someone seen Amaury? We kind of need him.

Aleister: He’s in the bathroom and Morgana is being schooled by mom. Won’t we wait for her?

Me: Saddly, sweetheart, she’s out of the challenge. I love her, just like all of you… but she… is special. We have no control over her, due to her insanity. I think this isn’t a secret for you anyway.

Pernelle: What challenge?

Me: Soon you’ll see.

 

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So I started to explain the rules of the Legacy challenge we were following. Most of them were interested, especially about the points for the different types of ghosts, excepted Cersei that was too busy eating.

Amaury: So there is heirs and heiresses? Points? Sounds awesome!

Pernelle: But who’s the heir of this generation? I’m burning (lol) to know!

Me: Well, for now, this is Aleister, but only because he’s the eldest. Son, are you interested in this?

Aleister: Of course I am!

 

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Amaury, worried: But what about the others? Do we absolutely have to make spares to be part of the legacy? Do we have to leave once we are adults?

Me: Of course you don’t. All of you will always be welcomed in the familial house anyway.

Amaury: Do you the legacy written? It’s kind of hard to remember all the ways to make points, you know.

 

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Cersei: You know what,? This is pathetic. It means we’ll have to work our asses off just for some so-called “familial honor”. This is useless, I tell ya.

Pernelle: You’re so negative! This is going to be awesome! Don’t you love your family? Don’t you want to be part of something bigger than you?

Cersei: Whatever. Now, you’ll excuse me, I have fishes to… fish.

 

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I was kind of deceived to see Cersei not giving any shit about the legacy, but at least, the three others were bursting with enthousiasm, asking for more details.

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The day after, Aleister became a real man. This child was my pride and joy, the family pacificator. He was looking like me so much, sometimes it was disturbing. Especially for Alice, she could not even tell us appart sometimes. You know, flirting with your own son while thinking this is your husband… is quite… awkward.

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It happened also to be the graduation day, so we came to the City hall in family all three.

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Yeah, cauz these suckers decided they wanted to stay home.

Me: Come on, this happens once in a life! Do it for your borther! And where the hell is Cersei?

Amaury: She’s fishing again. I won’t come, I’m hungry and tired.

Pernelle: Homeworks.

Morgana: I’M TELLING YOU THE CITY HALL IS TRAPPED! THE DEMONIC SPAWNS OF THE AWFUL DARK LORD KABUTO ARE WAITING FOR YOU!

Me: I take that as a no. Shame on you. Aleister will remember this the day of your own graduation.

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When I was a teen, I didn’t want any children as I thought they were annoying, dirty and pointless.

But seeing my boy, my own blood getting his diploma, a bright smile on his lips, with the prize of the best student? Priceless. Worth every crisis, every (few) argument, every time spent for him.

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Alice: Oh, my baby! I’m so proud of you! Now will you get the fuck out of the house? We’re trying to breathe in that small shed.

Aleister: Papa told me I could stay?

Alice: ‘was just a joke, honey. But it would help if you would look for a job. I mean, you’re the best student, you could become a great doctor for the Evil Organization! We need those, only them know how to slice the innocent in half without killing them so they can tell us all they know for the…

Aleister: No offense m’man, but I think I’ll be a visual artist instead. Papa told me he knew some people who would like to redecorate their houses with my paintings.

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Me: If only you knew how proud I was of you… Here, take this. You deserved it.

Aleister: What are those? Keys?

Me: Yup!

Aleister: YOU BOUGHT A CAR?? JUST FOR ME???

Me: Nah, kiddo, this is the key… to success! And beyond! You can open all possibility with it!

Aleister: That was cruel, papa. Especially for a pun.

Me: I know.

We headed to the most expansive bistro in Moonlight Falls and celebrated our son’s success. We had fun, we laughed, we drank, we ate. Nothing close to what was waiting for us when we would come home.

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Three. Three dead bodies. Waiting for us to come back. Burnt to death. The position of their bodies. They were crisped. They suffered. Amaury, Morgana, Pernelle… What happened? This day started out so well…

It took us months to go over it. Well, “go over it”… stop crying day and night, having everything in the house that would remember the tragedy, not moving from our bedrooms for days, not even bother to take a shower once in a while. If Alice were hurt by the catastrophe, well, I was totally destroyed. I wouldn’t eat for days. I was desesperate.

How could they take away half of my family… in the same day? How could they? All I wanted was to starve myself to death, to rejoin them. All the years wasted on my mid-age crisis, all the times I grounded Morgana for not being normal, all the nights I haven’t read them stories before bedtime, all the concerts Amaury wanted to bring me too…

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I even got hospitalized for not feeding myself properly. I was so weak I couldn’t walk. But then, I remembered I had also surviving kids. Aleister was young. Cersei was only a lost teenager. And what about Alice, who was trying to get a smile on her face every morning so everybody wouldn’t drown in their sorrows? I had to get some strength. For them.

Aleister: How’s papa going?

Cersei: The doctors say he’ll be fine in a week or two. You know, the coroner said it wasn’t a crime. Just an horrible accident, unlike what mom is thinking.

Aleister: But… come on, they died.. the three of them! How couldn’t they get up and leave? The exit is so close…

Cersei: Asphixia is one son of a bitch, Aleister.

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Aleister, whispering: Have you seen their bodies? They have suffered. It must have been a nightmare.

Cersei: We must be strong, brother, we must be strong.

Aleister: But how will I do without Amaury?

Cersei: Live on for him. He wouldn’t forgive you for letting him down, nor the challenge.

Aleister: On one condition.

Cersei: Which is?

Aleister: Don’t give up on the challenge either. Do it for them. And papa. And maman.

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Cersei: … I’ll think about it.

Alice: LYSANDER! What are you doing out of the bed?! The doctor won’t see you up till you get better!

Me, in sobers: I don’t… I won’t… *sober* Why, why can’t they… can’t they just… *cries* Don’t you miss them? How can you be so strong?

Alice: … Of course I miss them. But remember what you told me? We have surviving children. I have you. You have me. It’s not because they died that we have to surround ourselves in sorrows forever, honey.

Me: But… *sober* but…

Alice: And you have another reason to go on…

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Alice: I’m pregnant. And this child, unlike her or his older siblings, will NEED his or her father.

Alice tells it right II

 

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Amaury: Hey! Hey fatass! Listen to me when I’m talking to you, ya punk!

Aleister: Amaury, I’m busy.

Amaury: Screw you, man, you used to be cool.

 

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Aleister, sighing: What is it, Amaury?

Amaury: What’s the answer of 1+1?

Aleister: You will never learn anything if I tell you.

Amaury: Did your fatness kill your kindness?? Look at you, stupid artistic poop-face! I’ll tell mom you haven’t done your homeworks yet!

Alesiter: FINE! Fine. The answer of 1+1 = 69.

Amaury: Finally.

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Me: Honey, I have great news.

Lysander: You’re pregnant again.

Me: How did you know?

Lysander: Dunno. Feeling.

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Well, that must be because we’re so in sync. We’ve been married for a while, after all.

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Me: Aleister, honey, I have something to tell you!

Aleister: Let me guess. You’re pregnant?

Me: How the hell did you know? Did your father tell you?

Aleister: Nah. Just a feeling.

Must be because he’s so much like his father.

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Me: Hey Amaury! I…

Amaury: You’re pregnant.

Me: What kind of sorcery is this?! Who told you?

Amaury: You’re ALWAYS pregnant. Nobody’s surprised anymore.

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Amaury, after being burnt by his chemical experiment: cursed may science be!

Cersei: By the way, I think mom’s pregnant again, brother.

Amaury: I know, it’s not like it’s a surprise anym… wait what the hell… Cersei? When did you grow up?!

Cersei: Not of your business.

 

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Apparently, Amaury decided, just like his dad, to draw your ugly mom. That’s so your mom, she looks like a retard. Muhahaha.

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Excepted that, nothing happened. Oh, maybe that one fire that time when I forgot to put water into the pan BEFORE putting the macaroni on the oven?

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Me: LYSANDER, HELP ME TO EXTINGUISH THIS FUCKING FIRE OR AT LEAST WAKE UP THE BOYS!!

Lysander: Pfft, I don’t understand the matter. Just put some frigging water on it and…*

(*: I know putting water on oil fire is the worst idea ever, I’m not stupid D:)

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Lysander: Well, shit.

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Meanwhile, the children grow up. It’s already Cersei’s first day at school. I still remember the times when I was holding her, as a newborn baby, at 4AM, so desesperate for sleep I was willing to throw her by the window nearby. She has grown up as an adorable, yet, very antisocial little girl

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Amaury, my little male clone, is also a charming and briliant boy, even if he has absolutely no sense of humour and a big mouth.

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And Aleister, where do I even start with Aleister? The kindest and quietest boy in this big family and always willing to clean the dishes. I have the intuition he’s Lysander’s favorite, because they’re so alike in every way. And to be honest, I would lie if I told you I didn’t like him more than the others.

Shame on me, as a mother, I know.

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Soon, Cersei, Amaury and Aleister had a new sibling, Morgana, the first baby of the house who wouldn’t piss everybody off for teh lulz. She have Lysander’s face and my hair own hair. Still, Lysander said he wanted another one that would look like him, just like Aleister did.

I’m not a baby-maker, you know, bitch.

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She’s adorable, though, with her big, curious eyes and her calm behavior.

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Me: Lysander, for fuck sake, all I asked you was to clean the dishes while I was taking care of Morgana! And… By the red plumbob, did you eat all the cake?!

Lysander: No! *moment* Well… *moment* … Bitch I might have?

Me: You fucking pig! Amaury will be red mad!

Lysander: Mad for what?

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Me: It’s his birthday, moron.

Lysander: I’ll tell him the cake was a lie.

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Well, I will not tell you he grew as a pretty child, because he’s pretty ugly with his rectangular face and his big, squashed nose. How ironic, I know, knowing this is MY child with MY traits, but truth must be told. Still love him, though.

Maybe he became less big-mouthed?

Amaury: Keep eating MY cake, bitch, you’ll only get fatter like dad.

Aleister: Yeah, I love you too, brother. And this is pie, not cake. Remember what dad told you?

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Aleister: The cake is a lie, but not my affection for you. Happy birthday, bro. Don’t worry, I’ll buy you a real cake next time.

Amaury: Thanks, bro. At least you understand me.

Lysander: Okay, your bromance is cute n’ stuff but GODDAMN IT, CAN’T YOU SEE I CAN’T PICK UP THE DAMN PLATES CAUZ YOU’RE IN THE WAY??

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As they grow older, my two big boys get closer and closer, they’re the best buddies ever. I even overheard a secret conversation between them the other day:

Amaury: Aleister, hey, fag-face, can you keep a secret?

Aleister: What is it?

Amaury: Well… I haven’t told the parents yet, but I think I’m gay.

Aleister: Why would they bother with this? They’re so weird, anyway, they wouldn’t even care. and even if it wasn’t the case, you’ll be my best bud. FOREVER.

Amaury: For real?

Aleister: For real.

Amaury: Thanks, fatty. This makes me feel better.

To be honest, their close friendship made me both happy as a mother and jealous, because I had a twin brother myself and we never got along. You know why?

BECAUSE I ATE THE LITTLE BITCH WHEN WE WERE FETUSES.

 

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Soon, Pernelle arrived in the family. Lysander was full of hope, thinking that’d be finally THE clone he was waiting for.

(Lol, you thought that was Lysander? Nah, it’s Aleister. They’re so alike it’s hard to tell, even for me).

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Wow, such clone. Very similarities. Fuck you, Lysander, that is MY clone, excepted the eyes. (But we have no friggin idea how she got red-haired.)

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Morgana also grew. Not as well, saddly. Not that she’s not healthy. Not that she’s not pretty (she is the prettiest of them all), but she turned out… Well let’s not find kinder synonyms. She became… special.

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Cersei: Maman, can I sleep with you and papa tonight?

Me: Cersei, you’re 7. You’re not a baby anymore, but a big girl. Why the heck would you sleep with us anyway??

Cersei: Because I’m scared…

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Me: Of what, for the Plumbob’s sake?! I know today is a full moon night, but I think you got pretty used of the dying zombies on our lot, since it happens a lot, don’t you?

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Cersei: I’m not afraid of them… I’m afraid of Morgana! I don’t wanna sleep with her tonight!

Me: Why?

Morgana: IT’S BEHIND ME! IT’S BEHIND ME! I CAN FEEL IT I CAN FEEL IT I CAN FEE…

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Morgana: Duuuude. I can see the colors of time.

That’s how I discovered she had the insane trait and couldn’t be controlled anymore.

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Cersei: I hate moonlights. It’s full of creeps, and zombies, and ghosts, and Morgana gets weirder and…

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Cersei: And come on, EA Games, get your shit together, the water isn’t even animated you lazy fucks!

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Morgana: Maman, Cersei told me I was batshit crazy. Is it true?

Me: Yes, honey, you are. Doesn’t mean we don’t like you though.

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Morgana: Silent, you traitor! You shall now take that bikini off and get stabbed in the boobs 25 times!

Me: No cake for you tonight.

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Yeah, cauz tonight, it’s Cersei’s birthday, that she celebrated, alone, near her favorite fishing spot.

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She’s so pretty… but at the same time… uh… doesn’t her cold attitude remind you of someone?

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Coincidence? I think not.

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But seriously tho, she looks like this in real life. Pretty more boring and normal. All that’s not her sister, at least.

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Morgana: U w0t m8?? U W0T???? I’ll fkk1n wrek u, 1v1 IRL faggt!!!

Cersei: MAMAAAAN, MORGANA IS HAVING A FIGHT WITH THE BED AGAIN!!

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Today, she starts school, so I’m kind of worried about what she will do and how the others will accept her.

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Me: I received a call from the director. Did you REALLY throw poo on the chalkboard and burn the science books??

Morgana: Fuck the evolution!! He has to know I’m the reincarnation of the great Lord Helix, the king of Anarchism!

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At least the others are pretty more normal. Amaury especially loves his youngest sister.

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They even started a band together, him at the guitar, her at the xylophone.

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And Cersei, constantly arguing with Morgana, is avoiding the house the more she can, fishing all day long and coming back only to avoid the midnight cops.

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Aleister is becoming awesome at painting. Not as good as his dad, but it’s awfully close.

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When Pernelle grew up , we decided to put her in the same bedroom than Cersei, before she kills Morgana. We cannot afford a room right now, so she’ll have the corridor for herself, and can even hide herself from the others if she feels like it. It’s better than nothing I guess.

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Pernelle: You saw Morgana’s clothing? AW-FUL. She vomitted on the director again today. I swear, I’m ashamed to tell people we’re related.

Cersei: Yeah. She pisses me off so much, I can’t stand it anymore. Wanna come fishing with me?

Pernelle: Nah, thanks, I hate mosquitoes.

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Pernelle: Seriously, Cersei is a bitch that cleans nothing. You, at least, you’re awesome to clean stuff and you’re SO funny!

Morgana: Wow, thanks Pernelle! I… I really appreciate that compliment. I’ll do better next time!

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Morgana: You heard that, awesome? Someone congratulated you for the first time! FOR THE FIRST TIME! Just be patient, and we’ll dominate the world in the name of Lord Helix.

Alice tells it right.

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Uh. Hey there. I’m Alice Fitzgerald… You still listening? …Losers.

(I hate blogs…)

My boyfriend isn’t in the condition of relating this story for now, so I’m doing it instead of him. I don’t really feel like narrating this shit at the past tense, so deal with it. Huh, now… how to start?

Yeah, they kicked me out of my job because they thought I was too fat. Joke’s on them. I’m not. I know I am sexy. I am the best thief around. I know they are going to cry for my return in a time or two.

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So now I jog home. Since I can’t fit anymore in my old training outfit, I have to wear this ugly shit too large for me.

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Lysander is getting better and better at painting. Not that I really care, but at least he makes money with it. Wait. I should have said “made”…

 

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Because this fuckhead has decided it was too mainstream and started doing sport instead. Here go our incomes.

Lysander: What is your problem, Alice?! I can’t stand being the faggot in the house. I am a man, goddamn it, I have to be stronger than my girlfriend, don’t you think?

Me: LOL… Do you really think you’re going to be stronger than me? DO YOU REALLY?! I’ll have you know, I once broke a table made of iron while I was trying to kill a mosquitoe. Chuck Norris have nightmares about me.

Lysander: I’ll have you know, I’m also strong!

Me: Yeah, like, sheets of papers or stuff like this?

Lysander: S’not like I wanna brag, but I once lifted a dictionnary. With one hand. For 2 minutes.

Me: My hero.

Thus, we started working out together.

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I became fatter and fatter with the following months. Even so, I’m still strongest than the faggot I have to call a husband.

Me: Already tired? We’ve been doing jumping jacks for only 2 hours!

Lysander: *pan* *pan* *pan* I’m…. *pan* *pan* *pan* Not… e… even *pan* *pan* tired…

 

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Lysander: You *pan* *pan* stopped already? *han huurrr herck pan pan* Ha ha, who’s the *pan* *pan* strongest now? Ha… Haaan…. Haaaaaaa *vomits*

 

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Me: Would you look at this? I wasn’t fat, just pregnant, after all. I will call this one Voldemort!

Lysander: I… *pan *pan* I…. NOOOOO I’LL… *faints on the ground* … *pan* *pan*

Me: Raah that was just a joke. He shall be named Amaury. Happy? Now, shall we continue our training?

Lysander: … *pan* *pan* *pan*… fuck you…

 

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Amaury’s surprising birth is a good thing, since Aleister was only babbling about having a sibling for his upcoming anniversary.

By the sweet plumbob of platinum, this is not my son, this is my husband’s clone.

 

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Lysander: I hope you will be calmer than Aleister. You will, won’t you?

Amaury vomits and starts crying.

Lysander:

 

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Lysander hasn’t calmed with his existential crisis at all with his second son’s birth. He’s still obsessed about being in shape.

Lysander: Son! Hey, son! Do you even lift?

Aleister: Papa, I gotta go to school now.

Lysander: Intelligence is stupid. Big muscles are importanter!

Aleister: Papa, not in front of my friends!

 

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Another zombie had died on our lot. I swear, we would have lost all our legacy points if visitors dying of old age were to count. This is annoying.

I’m not sad of his death, BTW, I’m just pissed to be so muscular. This isn’t feminine at all.

 

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If Aleister was Lysander’s clone, Amaury is mine. Look at him with his father. He could have been his step-dad and there would be no difference.

 

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Aleister doesn’t give a shit about it, though. He has a brother, he’s happy. He’s the greatest big brother of all time. Or at least, a better brother than Raditz was to Karkarot.

What? You don’t know DBZ? You people are weird. You should get a life or at least some  instead of watching Sims stories online. Seriously.

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Now we try to learn him the basics the quickest possible. Somehow, I doubt Lysander has done a good job Learning him how to talkwith such a dirty speech.

 

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Me: When did a fucking computer entered in the bedroom? I thought you were supposed to go to the gym with Aleister? He’s getting kind of fat, you know.

Lysander: I gave up on that. I realized modeling my exterior is futile. What is important, for now on, is to focus on the mental. Behold, my dear, for I am going to be the greatest writter of Moonlight Falls!

Me: You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.

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Me: You know, Lysander, you haven’t shown your wand since a while… have you grown ashamed of it? Has it grown weaker?

Lysander: Madam is trying to make me angry? It’s making me sexy. You don’t wanna see me when I’m sexy.

Me: Since you became such a grumpy old man, yes, I actually do.

Lysander: Well, my dear lady, prepare to be fulfilled with the pleasure that comes with my big, very, sticky white magic…

Me: You’re so dirty, Lysander. I love this.

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And this is how we conceived our third kid. Nothing exciting excepted sex happened since that moment, so I’m just going to “forget” the moment that went through the pregnancy.

Me: LYSANDER! IT’S COMING! CALL THE FUCKING AMBULANCE RIGHT NOW!

Lysander: It’s 3AM. Tell that little bitch I have to work on my novel tomorrow.  Ah hell nah, I’m not going to have a royal little spoiled bitch of a baby like Joffrey Baratheon!

Me: BUT IT’S…

Lysander: HE’LL HAVE TO WAIT!

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Aleister: So that’s why you’ve been sleeping in the kitchen for a week now? And also why maman hasn’t come back ever since? Pretty low, you know papa… Who the hell is Joffrey Baratheon anyway?

Lysander: What have you done with your life all this time? Haven’t you watch Game of Thrones yet?

Aleister: We don’t own a TV, papa. And the only computer we have does not even have internet.

Lysander: Oh. Right.

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Aleister: BTW, I like the name you gave my little sister, Cersei. I don’t understand why you don’t let me see her though. I hope it’s not because of your stupid serie also.

Lysander: Talking about Cersei? Uh… N-no… just a superstition…

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Yeah, because I called our newborn daughter Cersei. I gave birth to her, without any HELP once again, so Lysander could fuck off if he didn’t liked it. Just so uncultured swines know, Cersei is a fancy way to write Circee, a powerful sorceress from the greek mythology. Nothing to do with the bitch from GoT.

Well, once again, she’s my clone, just like Amaury is. Excepted to little things: her ears… and her personality.

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Could you believe she is worst than Aleister when he was the same age, who would cry for no fucking reason? Well, here you go. A real demon, I tell ya.

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We never had so much difficulty to raise a kid. Look at this, she won’t even fucking potty train!

I really hope it’s not because of her name she turned like this. I hope she won’t try to rule Moonlight Falls by herself and have 3 babies with Aleister or Amaury.

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Me: Bleeeeeh. Urk… Oh not another baby… Why the hell must the way to make them be this fun?

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And Amaury has grown up. He looks pretty cool with his Elvis-like hair.

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Such as Aleister, who finally turned out to be the kindest teenager of all time. By the sweet plumbob of platinum, that must be how his father looked at his age! Makes me so nostalgic. I really miss the time he was the sweetest guy around with a weird ass humour. If only he wouldn’t have turned older with this fucking mid-age crisis!

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Me: You might have become annoying, but a least you became a real beast in the bed… wanna give me some good, white magic once again?

Lysander: You know I can’t invoke my magic without a bit of your help… Like, I’d totally need to put my face in your juicy watermelons right now. You know… for “positionning” the “elements” in their right places…

Aleister: I do not want to ruin your sex life or anything, but Cersei, Amaury and me are actually dining in the living room and we don’t really want to have a lesson about sexuality while eating, right now… just so you know.

Not that sweet, that Aleister, after all.

Aleister (not) Crowley

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Baby: Hrrmgn uhhh WAH WAH WAAAAAAH

Alice: By the sweet plumbob of platinum, this thing hasn’t stop crying for 3 hours… can’t you make him shut the fuck up??

Me: I swear babies should come with an off button!

 

 

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Me: There, there… Papa’s here.

Cries got even louder.

Me: Oh come on, Aleister, calm your tits for once!

I was officially holding the official heir of the legacy, Aleister Nogueira. Why Aleister? Well, why not? It was original. Alice told me she wasn’t sure I’d like this, as it was a commemoration of Aleister Crowley, also called 666 number of the beast (look it up). I just replied that’s also Iron Maiden’s best album. She observed me with a suspicious look on her face, then said “Oh yeah… I forgot you’re a foreigner”.

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Aleister was an healthy but annoying baby. He would shit himself twice in the same hour, vomit right after he drinkied his milk and cry just to torment our poor souls. I swear this fucking baby was somehow related to Joffrey Baratheon.

Me: Aww Alice, he did it again! It’s your fucking turn to change his smelly diapers now!

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Alice: Can’t! I’m cooking!

Me: But you’re always cooking! And you’re not even good at it!

Alice: How could you…!

Sometimes I’d swore Alice was trying doing chores around the house just to avoid Aleister’s smelly diapers. She recently decided to become the house’s cook, but honestly, Veronica Lodge from the Archie comics would have been a better chief than her.

Me: Alice, you burned cereals and you clean the damn lettuce with soap!

Alice: If my cooking is THAT bad, you know you can just stick to your apples, right?

Me, groaning: … I take it back. Sorry Alice.

Fucking apples.

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Talking about Alice, did you see what her idiotic ex-boyfriend sent us again for our wedding, like, months after it was appropriated? Behold! A skating park. A FUCKING SKATING PARK. I couldn’t even afford a pair of skates, so what the fuck did you want me to do with a FUCKING SKATING PARK??

Yeah, thanks a lot, Malcom. We had the ugliest house in Moonlight Falls (and the gods know it was the ugliest town around), we couldn’t buy a sofa, but you decided it was a good idea to afford thousands of dollars for this. If that’s what you wanted to call a sweet revenge, I think you kind of failed.

Complain? Oh noes, I never did that, I swear. Not my style, I promise. Yeah, like, really! I mean, I could sold it after I received it. I was just trying to understand the simstatic logic behind this.

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Being a married dad did suck a lot, but as long as I got to stay close to Alice, I was happy. She was kind of like a cat, playful and in the mood for sexy times for days, then would leave the house for a week or two before coming back without any explanation. In the other hand she understood when I had my total shut-in phases and wouldn’t talk to anybody for days… excepted toilet-senpai.

Both of us weren’t normal, we didn’t had a normal relationship, and that’s why we were still madly in love after a year of bad-hair days, grumpy moods and arguments about who would clean toilet-senpai today, or…

 

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Aleister: WUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH UUUUUUUUUUUUUUH MWEEEEH *barf* WAAAAAAAAAAAAH

*sigh* BRB, Aleister just shitted himself again. Either this child’s name was really cursed, nor he really had the best inside of him.

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Alice with a sweet and calm voice: There, there. Poor little baby, stop crying or I swear I’ll wreck your fucking neck, you hear me?

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Needless to say, we were waiting for nothing but the final notice from the game that was allowing us to age him up.

 

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Me: Are you sure this child is mine?

Alice: You fucking idiot.

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Alice: Let’s get done with his education the quickest possible. I’ll teach him how to wal… No, little Aleister, do not stare at mommy’s secret garden. You’re precocious for your age aren’t you?

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Me: And I’ll teach him how to talk and potty train. Repeat after me, little Aleister. Douchebags suck, brains FTW.

Aleister: Doosh. Suck.

Me: Close enough.

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Me: Now, repeat after me, little Aleister. Screw the rules, I have money.

Aleister: Screw… the… maney.

Me: You are going to fail at life, you arnacho-communist little bastard.

 

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Aleister might have been one fucking annoying newborn, but as a toddler, he calmed down as he could explore the house and discover new things. He was also quick at learning. The fatest he grew, the more I liked him. Do not believe me? Look at this. He would play with his toys…

 

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… make them disappear…

 

 

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Aleister: Mister Appollo XVI? Where are thou?

 

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And…

 

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Make them reappear like nothing happened. Magic wouldn’t die in this generation, at least.

 

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I was making some quality selfie time, as usually (these bitches are worth a whole point each!) when Alice dared to disturbe me for the first time.

Alice: Honey, it is time!

Me: For what?!

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Alice: HAPPY 34th BIRTHDAY, YOU OLD FART!

Me: Huh?

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Somehow, it got on my nerve. Did she had to remind the fact I was getting old and ugly?

Me: Alice, did you have to SCREAM LIKE A BITCH in my ears while I was painting? I have other things to do than celebrate a fucking birthday! Did I pushed you to the ground while you were jogging when it was YOUR birthday? No. I just brought you to the restaurant. What is YOUR problem?

Alice: Uh? Hun, that was just a joke… Why would you get so upset about this?

Me: I don’t know! You annoy me! I almost ruined my autoportrait!

Alice: Bitch please! You made a thousand of those, don’t you think it’s enough for your stupid legacy?

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Alice: Oh my gods, you are such a little bitch tonight! Wait, does that mean it’s…

Me: Bitch, it might be

Alice: Oh no.

Me: Oh yes.

Alice: We didn’t need this at all! Not with another baby coming soon!

Me: Well, not my fucking problem.

Alice: Come on, honey, I apologize, can you just forget about this?

Me: It’s too late. You’re going to feel the wrath of my mid-age crisis!

 

Bringing on the next generation

This challenge is pretty cool 🙂

The Nogueira Challenge: a legacy full of what

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The next day, Alice had something important to tell me. She looked very excited.

Me: You are WHAT?!

Alice: You hear me right. Pregnant. I am pregnant.

Me: But… how? What? I proposed to you only yesterday… We didn’t even had that much sex! What is this sorcery?

Alice: Are you kidding? We’ve been fucking days and night since we live together!

Me: B-but this is way too early!

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Alice, unamused: Listen here you lil shit, some days ago you were all about big love serenades and how about nothing lasts forever, you forced me to get a shitty job and now you’re freaking out because we’re habing a baby, which is the WHOLE IDEA behind the stupid legacy you can’t stop talking about.

Me: B-b-b-but this is so sudden… I don’t know what to say!

Alice: Be happy, don’t worry goddamn it!

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Alice: Anyway, we are in an hurry…

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